Paralysis by Over Analysis

Written on Saturday, October 17, 2009 at 1:47pm posted in Facebook. This was written during a dark phase of my life: alcohol and repressed emotions. 


Man, fuckin life has been rough.

Im sitting here in school trying to work on things that all can be left undone and what it is a fuckin Saturday. I want to procrastinate. I want to sit down and tell myself that truly I am relaxed but my fuckin head has been messin with me for the past few days.

The alcohol seems to have made things lighter for me, for that last week was all alcohol, monday to thursday. i lost my voice the other day so it was a friday night in, but still there was alcohol. Drinking alone makes you think about the stuff that you dont really need to think about. Stupid random thoughts, voices of people dear to you that reverberate to tell you what you should do. The alcohol just made things even worse, now all the repressed thoughts are ganging up on me.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies. I believe for the most part of it people are defined by what other people tell them. May it be implied or explicitly told. People would say youre crasy like that and you reinforce yourself to become what they expect of you. People believe what they see, everything is judged by appearances and for the most part of it people truly believe them. You people are missing out on the greatness of what lies beneath each person. On a side note, i just remembered relating to Todd the crazy guy showed in our Clinpsy class, and Ms, told me that I could have a tendency, to become bipolar or some sort. Now im feeling extremely down times and really manic behavior. Maybe I was that before she even told me that but now I am aware of it and its scaaary (yonzon style)

I am a Dementor. I suck life out of people. I depend on people's company. I would want to work alone all the time but for everything else I would want someone with me. I just want to talk to people, i 3-second rule everyone. Thats what i have been longing for the longest time, someone that would not just tolerate my small quirks but rather accept and even like them too, as Ted Mosbey would put it. I want my Bonnie, I am lost in the world in 2009 Bonnie and Clyde, but God Damn it where you at Bonnie? HAHA.

Fundamental Attribution Error, Ive been sarging for quite a while now I think, funny thing is every time I ask inputs about situation to a girl and just put everything "hypothethical", they would think that it is them that they are talking about but it works, and its funny. Also, its funny how people always think that they are being judged by other people that they are being looked at and judged, I experimented on this last week and apparently no one ever noticed something that i did for three straight days.

Unassuming Son of A Bitch. I feel like a fuckin little boy, ive been telling my sisters from other mothers what ive been doin with my life and my various adventures and misadventures wit women. For whatever they may be, these moments that i go through seem to bring me back and look in retrospect when they were relatively fresh. Im feeling weird but its good but I do not want to assume anything. I want to be detached and rational, I have been reading about this Game book, and have noticed that these PUAs have certain dysfunctions in their own life which make them good. For whatever they may be, it seems like these guys have Gestalts that they could not finish and which in turn makes them deflect their problems into sarging. I think i feel the same way as them.

Chaos and Confusion. I think that for the most part of it, living in taft and being exposed to the culture of taft, there is as if a post traumatic stress disorder every time Thursday comes because Friday would be a free day and so that all the stressors are gone. Weird Enough, when these stressors are not there, i feel bored, i get bored with boredom. I think that the fast paced life that i have been living is too god damn crazy, I mean like, I find excitement and a certain degree of satisfaction, to drink and do them what have yous, when I know tomorrow I have a quiz, a recitation and a reporting. HAHA.

I said so much shit god damn it. But i have some other shit to do. Whatever I said above i would want to handle.

This note is not a plea for help, i do not even fuckin care if you read it or not, i just need a release.

In all of this madness, i look into several people and or characters to find serenity and peace. Brucie Kibbutz, Style, Mystery, Ted Mosbey, Barney Stinson, Matisyahu and all them other foos who see life in a different light.

Don't cry
Don't raise your eye
It's only teenage wasteland

Sally, take my hand
We'll travel south cross land
Put out the fire
And don't look past my shoulder.

The exodus is here
The happy ones are near
Let's get together
Before we get much older.

Teenage wasteland
It's only teenage wasteland.
Teenage wasteland
Oh, yeah
Its only teenage wasteland
They're all wasted!

I tagged you guys because i know you could give inputs about all the bs that i have been saying.